Diary of a Clown/ Stalker Telegrams

Singing Telegrams from Stalkers

Usually, when I get a call to do a singing telegram from someone claiming to be a secret admirer or a friend of the recipient, I ask questions, for fear of being privy to a stalker. Unfortunately, the more convincing stalkers end up slipping past me.

One example of this type of telegram, was a telegram I did from someone claiming to be a friend of the recipient. After changing into my chicken costume, I was told by the mom of the recipient, to wait in the hallway upstairs until she tells me to come down. A few minutes later, the cutest little girl comes over to me and says “Hi! I’m Jessica, why are you dressed as a chicken?” I casually replied back, “Because I’m Crazy”. With that, she casually replied back, “Oh” and kept walking down the stairs.

After I was given the heads up, I went downstairs and sang to my very pissed off looking and pouting recipient. Afterwards, I questioned her mom on her actions. She apologetically replied….”Oh it wasn’t you, the boy who sent you, has been bombarding her with phone calls flowers and letters. I apologized up and down to the mother and daughter, saying I had no idea he wasn’t her boyfriend. They accepted.

Another stalking incident came when I was to deliver a singing heart gram to a woman Psychiatrist in her up scaled east Eighty Third Street apt. In order to insure that the recipient would open her door for me, my boss suggested that I call first saying that a surprise delivery is in the works. I did so, and got her voice mail the first couple of times calling. When leaving my messages, I stated that a surprise delivery was arriving at 3:00 pm. The woman finally called me back and I told her the name of a bogus delivery company. She of course questioned me up the wazoo, but I didn’t cave in. When I arrived at my recipient’s building, I just started mentioning to the doorman who I was there to see, when I became blinded by this glaring flash light being shined right in my eyes by this cute red headed chubby freckled faced 5 year old boy. “Who are you”! He shouted, and “Who are your People?” I replied by asking him the same question back and he came back with “My name is Alex and why do you keep calling my mom?” I told him I was there to sing to his mom by a friend of theirs but I need to change into a costume first. “Follow me”. He then led me upstairs to his floor and pointed to a dark spot under the Stair Case and shined his flash light on me while I changed into my heart costume. I followed him to his apartment and rang his bell. His mom answered the door and I followed the freckled faced cutie into the apartment and proceeded to sing my funny love song to his mom. Both mother and son seemed to get a big kick out of the whole thing. Afterwards, she let me go into her bathroom to change. When I came out she told me about my sender. He was someone she had dated a couple of times and was calling her around the clock. Again I apologized and said it wasn’t my fault. We then started chatting about everything under the sun such as dating, her job as a Therapist, and her son’s short lived acting and modeling career. Although her chubby Red Headed son was quite successful at both, (he even landed a nationwide Ad for “Toys R Us”. She just wasn’t able to give up her time and money to take him on acting jobs, modeling shoots, and auditions. I was probably there for a good 45 minutes yapping with the 2 of them.

I’m probably going to be ruining business for myself when I say what a waste of a stalker’s money because by the reaction of these 2 customers and other like them, these recipients were not interested.