Diary of a Clown/ Desperate for a Santa

Desperate for a Santa

While working for “Easter Onion”, a popular singing Telegram Company in the 1980s, there was a big run on Santa Claus deliveries during the Christmas season I was working there. By deliveries, I mean someone to dress up as Santa and either sing to or hand someone a gift, flowers or balloons. A few days before Christmas, all of the Santas who worked for “Eastern Onion”, were booked for company parties or store events. My Crack Head boss, (who I’ll call Van) who couldn’t say no, resorted to sending the woman messengers out as Santas. After using up all of the heavy set woman to play Santa, guess who would be sent out to get the job done?....Yup!...you guessed it….ninety pound Yours Truly!

The first Santa Gram I was sent out on was from someone wanting to promote his demo tape to a couple of different Radio Stations. Even though I had stuffing in my stomach area, the rest of the costume, which was a standard man’s size, swam on me! The people in the offices, took one look at me, and said…”Is this some kind of a joke!?” “Where’s Alan Funt?”

After those last two Santa experiences, I was so traumatized, that the next time I was sent to do a Santa, I down right refused to do it, saying “NO! No more Santas!” “Talk them into turning it into a Mrs. Claus, and I’ll do it.” To my surprise, Crack Head Van had actually agreed with me on this one and sent me out to make an appearance at a Birthday Party for a bunch of five year old kids on the Upper East Side section of Manhattan who were all expecting Santa Clause. When arriving to the party in full Mrs. Claus attire, in a jolly voice I stated “Hubby and the Reindeers got stuck in traffic at the North Pole.” “I’m Mrs. Clause” The party brats responded back with “Your not Mrs. Clause and Santa’s not stuck in traffic neither” Then they all started loudly chanting “We want Santa, We want Santa!” The chant was followed by food throwing! Of course, the mom who was expecting Santa herself, wanted her money back.

The moral of the story, or should I say the lesson to be learned here, is if you’re looking to hire a Santa Clause for a Singing Telegram, delivery, Party or event, insist on seeing a picture of your Santa first.