Diary of a Clown/ Singing in the Trauma Ward
By Susan Zwirn aka Polkadots the Clown

Delivering singing telegrams in the Hospital is not exactly my favorite thing in the world to do. Not so much for the obvious, but more so for the finding the patient part. Eight times out of ten, the patient is not in their room. Either they’re in x-rays, therapy, or moved to another room. After finding their location, you might as well be looking for someone in a maze! It’s like….Follow the pink lines for the Maternity ward, the blue lines for the Trauma Ward, etc. I think whoever was designing this layout was either drunk or stoned, because somewhere along the way the lines are all intertwined! By the time I find the patient, I’m ready to be one myself!
For my first Hospital telegram, I was to be a Pink Gorilla at the Trauma Ward of one of the big hospitals here in the city. It was like 95 degrees out that day and as usual, I was running behind schedule. Still being new to the city at the time, it took me forever to figure out what subway and busses to take and how to find them. Once I got off of the subway with all of my balloons, costumes and props, I realized I got off the wrong stop and ended up having a zillion panic attacks along the way.

When I finally made it to the Hospital, it probably took me another fifteen minutes of getting lost until I finally made it to my destination….The Trauma Ward!

Comming from my own trauma of making it through the NY
transportation system during rush hours amidst the heat and heavy load in my arms, hands and back, walking into “The Trauma Ward” didn’t exactly help my situation any. I immediately walked into an area filled with people in various stages of catastrophe. Amputees’, chemo patients, and worst of all, some of these patients were kids. In an absolute state of panic, I made a failing attempt to tell the nurses why I was there as well as being in a hurry and needing a place to change and leave my stuff, but hysteria completely took over my voice and actions, so G-d knows what ended up coming out of my mouth! The next thing I know, the nurses and either interns or Dr.’s are grabbing my stuff and lifting me up on a gurney! All of a sudden I hear…”Remove some of her clothing” “Give her some water”! “Keep her still”. When I finally gained some of my composure and stopped shaking a bit, the words forced there way out of my mouth. “Wait! Wait!” “I’m not a patient!” With their disbelieving looks (like “Who else acts like that around here?”) I took a deep breath and calmly explained to them that I’m here to deliver a Singing Telegram to one of their patients and I need to change into my Pink gorilla costume ASAP. Looking at me even crazier, I handed them the Telegram and showed them the Pink Gorilla costume so they could see that I’m legit and not totally off my rocker. At that point, their looks of disbelief turned into “Oh Wow!” I was then questioned up the wazoo! “Are you an Actress?”, “How long have you been doing this?”, “How many Telegrams do you usually do in a day?” Just to mention a few. They eventually found my recipient and gave me a place to change and leave my stuff.

Every time I think of that incident, I think of how close I actually came to being a patient myself...or was I?
The End