Diary of a Clown/Swinging Grandmas
By Susan Zwirn aka Polkadots the Clown

One of my agents who calls me once in a blue moon to entertain at children’s events, sent me out on a birthday party for a five year old girl, with me being dressed as a Barbie doll. My Barbie costume consists of a blond wig and a cutesy pink dress with a big bow in front. That, along with my act, is pretty G-rated, since I’m working with kids. I’m also very conscious of everything I do and say, for fear of people saying I’m not suitable for children. I even substitute the words heck and hell for “hey”….”What the hey?” I’m no martyr, but I even try and curb my tongue when I’m not with the kids, for fear of later slipping up. What happens when it’s the other way around? When you’re the SUBJECT of obscenity?!

Let’s start with the Barbie party. The party took place in a community room somewhere in the Bronx section of Manhattan. The birthday girl, who was turning five, was joined by about twenty five of her friends, most in that age group and about twenty family and adult friends present as well. While doing my magic show, I kept getting interrupted by this deep, evil masculine sounding voice followed by shocking sounding laughter. I had no idea what was being said, since it was all being said in Spanish. Believe it or not, the voice turned out to be the GRANDMOTHER of the birthday girl! Later, while doing face-painting, I was again interrupted by the same voice, but this time, in the form of a question. The question was interpreted by a seven year old boy who after hearing her question, turned to me and said….”She wants to know if she can paint YOUR face”. I naively agreed. She then proceeded to paint something on my right cheek, which was followed by shocking laughter and oooohhs. When looking at myself in my mirror, I was horrified to find that this GRANDMA had painted a PRIVATE MALE PART, on my face!!! She was quickly rushed away by her daughter in-law (mother of the birthday girl), who later apologized to me up and down saying that this woman has a lot of mental issues.

Exactly one week after this ordeal, I was sent by the same agent to be a clown at another birthday party. The party took place in a big catering hall in the Bay Ridge section of Brooklyn. It was one of those wedding styled birthdays complete with formal gowns and a big band playing classic Italian music. The entire length of the birthday party was spent doing my usual routine (face-painting, balloon twisting and magic) and trying to dodge this eighty five year old great grand mother of the birthday child! This barely five foot tall stereotype looking granny from Italy, kept chasing me around trying to put her hand up my clown dress!! At the end of the party, I made sure the coast was clear, before heading into the ladies room. As bad as I needed to use the bathroom, there was no way that I was going to be alone with this Perv. Granny! A few teenage girls picked up on my dilemma. One turned to me and said….”Go ahead, we’ll make sure she doesn’t bother you”. They carried out there word; I thanked them, got my money and then quickly got the heck out of there!

When I got home that evening, I called up the agent that sent me on these two jobs and said…..”Hey Al, what kind of agency are you guys running over there? Swinging granny parties?” He then let out with a loud…..”HU?! I then told him both stories. He laughed his head off and of course apologized.They say good things come in twos. Does that rule apply to perverted grannies?!