Diary of a Clown/How To Handle Your Noisy Neighbors
By Susan Zwirn aka Polkadots the Clown

If you’ve ever lived in a New York apartment, I’m sure you’ve had at least one dealing with noisy neighbors. Unfortunately, I’ve had way more than one experience! Put it this way, since my apartment is walking distance to a few colleges, it’s probably not much different than living in a dormitory.

One afternoon, I came home from my boyfriend’s apartment to find a note on the main door of my building which read…..Attention Tenants’, Tonight we will be having an end of semester fetish party. We will try to rap it up by midnight (yea right!) Feel free to join us and dress up as your favorite fetish.
Your neighbors in 3-E

Now, I live in 3-D, with a very thin wall and an echoing hallway, mind you! I really needed a good night’s sleep that night, since I had an early job the next morning.
That evening, I went with my actor boyfriend, to his end of season rap party for his TV show he’s a stand in on. I had a couple of drinks in me when returning home about 11:30 that night. I walked into my building to a packed hallway and elevator filled with nineteen year olds wearing diapers, loin cloths, whips and chains, you name it!

Midnight came and went and the party was still going strong. I was just getting ready to knock on there door to tell them to hold it down, when I looked around to my costume filled apartment (costumes I use to entertain at kids parties and deliver singing telegrams in). The next thought that went through my mind was…..”, Wait… costumes….. Fetish costume party ……DUUUUUH

With that thought in mind, I quickly got into my Elmo costume. With a big poster board, I printed out a sign that read……”Your next door neighbor has to get up early tomorrow! Please hold it down. I then grabbed my sign, with my red furry hands and buzzed my neighbor’s door. It was so noisy, that it took a little while until someone heard me.

The door was finally opened by a nineteen year old looking girl who looked like she was bombed out of her mind! As Elmo was standing in front of her holding a sign, she stood motionless for about twenty seconds, then out of nowhere, she let out with this loud shrill scream……..”OHHHHHH…….IT’S ELMO!!!!!!” She then slammed the door right in my (or Elmo’s face). After that, things immediately became dead silent. I barely even heard people leaving. I guess they figured that if they were too loud, Elmo would come out and attack them!

I actually felt kind of guilty that I apologized to my neighbor the next day for traumatizing her guests.

Well, this is one way to quiet your neighbors down….Wanna buy an Elmo costume?