Diary of a Clown/My Request for a Tri-Boob Implant
By Susan Zwirn aka Polkadots the Clown

A good portion of my singing telegram jobs, are set up in the form of a practical joke of some kind. I even had to go to a bodega in the middle of Spanish Harlem and pose as an immigration officer and pretend to arrest the owner (also the recipient) and stop myself in the middle of handcuffing him by singing “The DooWop Birthday song”. I can’t begin to tell you how fast the place emptied out when I said the words “Immigration Officer”!

The most unusual request I had, was to deliver a singing telegram to one of the top Plastic Surgeons in ...New York. Wait, that’s not the unusual part! The setup was for me to go to the office and pose as a potential patient wanting to have a third breast implanted. I was sent by the woman in the office who not only wanted me to sing him birthday greetings, but there main goal was for me to shock him and make him lose his cool. Apparently, they’ve had many dealings with nut jobs walking into the office, and he never seemed to lose his cool. When first hearing this strange setup, I called up my stand-up comic friend Meredith and told her the story. When asking her what character I should be, she replied…”don’t” “Huh?”, I replied back. “Just be yourself”…”If you try to be someone else asking for a third boob”, you’ll probably lose it and start cracking up”. She continued…”Ok, here’s the thing, your own character is so flighty to start with, so all you have to do, is just be you asking for a third boob, maybe saying that you have a boyfriend who’s into kinky stuff”. That’s exactly what I did!

When I arrived at the Surgeon’s office, the secretaries and nurses were all giggling. They set this up in his appointment book with my name listed in it. Next to my name, was a note….”Keep office door open, patient is claustrophobic”. They even had me fill out a form listing my name, age, and medical history, which I truthfully did. Thank G-d there were no questions about what I wanted done!

When it was my turn, I walked into the Doctor’s office and handed him my form. He shook my hand and introduced himself. We then each took a seat. He was a lot younger and better looking than I expected a Plastic Surgeon of his caliber to be. As he was looking over my form, he very casually went over my answers. With his cool demeanor, he asked me the reason for my visit. With my nervous laugh that I normally have during intense conversations, I said…”This is gonna sound like an unusual request”…He interrupted by saying...Oh, don’t worry; I’ve heard it all…go on”. “Well, my boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year now and he treats me like a queen”. “Jewelry, vacations, nice gifts, the whole bit!” Now I want to do something for him for a change”. Well….uh...this is a bit embarrassing to talk about (nervous laugh) but…”Go on”. “Well, my boyfriend is really into breasts! Still as cool as a cucumber the Doctor replied “Ok, there’s nothing unusual about that”. Oh, yes there is...”He wants me to have a third (pulling the top middle part of my shirt out, emulating a third breast) breast implanted (more nervous laughing)” With a slight change of expression, but still pretty cool, he stated….”Well, you’re right about one thing…this is a very unusual request”. “Unfortunately, I don’t agree with your decision to have a third breast implanted and I’ll tell you why”. He then went into this big explanation about how the breasts are constructed and how woman over forty run the risk of breast cancer, just having implants alone. He was so cool and caring, that I think I actually started feeling disappointed when he told me that I couldn’t have this done. I guess I’m a better actress than I give myself credit for!

With a disappointed sigh, I then remembered why I was there and said….”I am disappointed, but could I ask a question?” He responded “Sure”. With that I broke out into the “Doo Wop Birthday song”. It was then that his cool demeanor turned into a look of “You got me!!” and embarrassment. At that moment, all of the woman in the office immediately materialized and yelled out … “Happy Birthday!!” all the while hysterical laughing! Don’t forget, they had to hold it in all this time. One of the women told me she couldn’t believe I kept going as long as I did without losing it. I never told her my secret. Thanks Meredith!

The End